you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
