my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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