you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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