I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
