When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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