Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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