Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
