I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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