took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
