We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
