Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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