Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
