Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
