it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
