forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
