He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
