I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
