Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
