Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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