Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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