Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
