fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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