Ambien. No doubt about it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
