Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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