If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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