It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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