I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I didn't notice because vodka
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Randomize
