dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
