Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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