dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
