I just pynch a tree in the face
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
