well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
