I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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