i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
