Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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