I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
