for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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