You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
