He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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