I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All I want is dick and wine.
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