Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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