life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
