I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
