hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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