Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
