Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
