How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
