How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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