her facebook's as public as her vagina
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
