Your face is a jimmy john
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
