Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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