Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
