Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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