I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
