but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My pussy is not your playground.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
