i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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