I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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