my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
