I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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