I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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