I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you will always have a special place in my vag
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
