the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
