Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think my mom watched the whole time
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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