I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize