My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This house was built for laser tag.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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